Improve Your Dog’s Self Esteem

Another of the "it’s like shooting fish in a barrel" posts… This week’s New Scientist has a story on the monetary worth of the pet industry (Billions, apparently). The full article is only available to subscribers, but the abstract sounds rather juicy:

BARRY seems pleased with his new super-enhanced testicles that Jane got him as a treat from the silicon implant catalogue. She is already planning the wedding, and Barry looks so smart with his new haircut and Gucci jacket. But he does seem to be getting a little chubby. Ooh, and she must remember to get that life vest for him – she doesn’t want him falling overboard on their sailing holiday. She is always worrying about him dying. He’s not as young as he was. In fact he’s 12, which is quite old…for a dog, that is.

Dog’s bollocks as silicone implants? Must be a joke, I thought. Nope, it turns out they really exist, and over 100,000 pet owners have bought them (presumably for their darling pets).

The web site for Neuticles (what a wonderfully toe-curling name, BTW) contains some real gems:

Neuticles – allowing your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering. (aids in the trauma associated with neutering?)

With Neuticles– It’s like nothing ever changed! (apart from the fact that your dog’s lost his real testicles and now has a couple of lumps of silicone). The FAQ expands on this:

We feel the removal of a God given body part – leaving a male pet looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering is not only unethical but unnatural. With Neuticles it’s like nothing ever changed.

I swear, I couldn’t make this up if I tried. The rest of the FAQ reaches dizzying heights of bizarreness – it’s worth reading. But I did learn one interesting fact – it’s not just dog’s bollocks they’ve got covered:

Neuticles are now available for any-sized canine, feline, equine, bull or any neutered pet. Refer to sizing chart for additional information and 3D sizing chart. Custom sizing is available.

I love that "custom sizing" bit.